SEX

Sex, it's all I've been thinking about lately. It's like I'm obsessed. For the first time in my life I'm thinking about it in a new light though, in a light I've never seen it before. Rather than enjoy my sexual thoughts, I'm hating them. I want them to stop! I'm sure this is making no sense to you, so I'll start from the beginning.

I feel as if I'm in a crossroads in my relationship and I'm driving myself insane. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months, and while I feel that the sex should be at it's best at this point (still new and not sick of each other yet, but comfortable enough to do the freaky things) I think it's actually at it's worst. I waited for us to hit the one month of dating mark to finally seal the deal and it was amazing. My bf was so attentive to me and my body. He took his time caressing every inch of me. It wasn't freaky sex by any means. It was sweet, sensual, meaningful, beautiful love making. 5 months later, we're still having the same kind of sex. We have yet to really get down and dirty. This bothers me more than words can say. It's worse than it seems for the following reasons: 1) We have only had sex in my bed with the lights off and under the covers. 2) I have yet to see his bare ass. 3) We have only had sex in the missionary position (he doesn't even put my legs up). One time we did it doggy style and it lasted all of 5 minutes before we were back to missionary. 4) One time on vacation, I invited him to come take a shower with me. (The shower was beautiful , surrounded by clear glass and facing a mirror) He never showed up. 5) The other night, we were laying in bed. He was completely to himself when I accidentally grazed his "region." He had a full blown hard on, but wasn't touching me at all! I was like, hello, how can you waste that and just lay there as if I don't want some!? 6) I haven't seen him completely naked yet. He hides from me. Doesn't let me see his body. Meanwhile, he has an amazingly svelte figure!

So Tuesday night, I took a shower, put on a pretty little negligee, sprayed some yummy smelling stuff all over and went to sit next to him on the couch. He noticed the new scent and the way I looked right away and we slowly started kissing while he started his gentle caressing again. The gentle caressing is great, but sometimes, I just want to be pushed around. Show some aggression! Pin me up against the wall! Spread my legs open and dive in! Nope, gentle caresses in conjunction with mediocre kissing and...my fire didn't just fizzle out, it was blown out. He asked what was wrong, and I couldn't help it, I spilled the beans right then and there. I told him that I wished he was more comfortable with me and that I feel like he is holding back his sexual passion for me. He went from looking into my eyes to looking at the TV. I continued my speech about how I need him to be more aggressive and to be more confident while he just continued his blank stare at the TV. I'm not sure what exactly it was that I said in between all of that, but he suddenly stood up and said that he was leaving. He grabbed his clothes and went to the bathroom. Meanwhile I'm sitting on the couch calculating my next move (and feeling like shit at the same time). So he comes out of the bathroom and heads toward the door at which point I grab his arm and say, "What good does leaving do? It isn't going to fix anything. Please talk to me and tell me what you're feeling and why you hold back so much." Yeah, that didn't work either. He didn't have any answers for me. Eventually, I convinced him to stay and we spent the night in a half sleep both feeling like shit but not talking about it. 48 hours later, we're still both feeling like shit but not talking about it.

I'm at a loss here. I just don't know what to do. In the last 48 hours I have realized that all of this goes back to his self esteem. I think he is really insecure about how thin he is, and while I love his body because I can see his 8 pack abs and his beautiful arms, I think he feels like a string bean. My past relationships have been full of crazy sex and freaky, naughty things. This time around, it's all sweetness, no freakiness. All of one is no good, women need a little bit of both. Humph.

Random

So here I am at work on a Friday, 5:10pm, blogging away. Sometimes I just feel the need to avoid work at all costs. Well, today, I couldn't think of anything else to do. I have checked myspace a gazillion times, read all my little blogs that I've been reading for years, and talked to everyone in the office about topics that have nothing to do with work...ahhh, then I end up here. Plans for the weekend? Going to dinner tonight with Giselle and her new professional football player boyfriend...how she finds these guys, I'll never know. Then tomorrow morning I am going with my mom and my boyfriend to Orlando for my sister's 40th B-day party...I can't believe she's 40!!! I am so anxious about this trip, for more reasons than one. First of all, my sister doesn't know that we're coming, so when she sees us she's going to flip, second, she's never met my boyfriend before, so I'm anxious to get it over with and to hear what she thinks of him, 3rd, I got her the best present ever...Madonna tickets!!!! I went to the Madonna concert last year with my wonderful friend Yvette (the one that moved to San Fran). The concert was amazing! I mean, hello, it's Madonna! The entire concert, I couldn't get over that fact... I just kept saying over and over...that's Madonna, that's Madonna! The only bad thing was that she turned the air off in the arena...something about her vocal chords. Needless to say, it was hotter than dog shit in a skillet. We left drenched...all in the name of her holiness. Luckily, it's at Pro-Player stadium this year which is an outdoor stadium, so we'll already be sweating due to the Miami stickiness. I finally bought her new CD, Hard Candy. It's pretty good, but nothing touches my soul like her old 80's stuff. She's had a few songs that I consider Madonna classics like Music, Ray of Light, Die Another Day, Hung Up, and Sorry. This album has got 4 Minutes, with my love Justin Timberlake, so it's an instant classic in my book. I can write a few blogs about how much I love him and hate Jessica Biel for taking him away from me, but I'll spare you for now.

Isn't it crazy to say for years and years how much you want something, feeling like there is no way in hell you'll ever get it, and then you do and you feel completely blown away that your wish actually came true? Like the heavens have blessed you for helping that old lady cross the street? That's how I feel right now about my boyfriend. I know, I know gag me with a spoon, right? But, I really mean that. He has flaws of course, who doesn't, but he's just amazing. The way he treats me is like a dream..almost too good to be true. I hate to say that, because that means that I have doubts, but i can't help it. This city is filled with scum, and I've dated half of them, always being so disappointed at their actions or lack there of, and here comes my boyfriend, the perfect antidote to all of their stupidities. I feel like I'm in a fairytale everyday or like a dream that I'll wake up from, but so far it has been 4 months, and I'm still dreaming.

P.S. You're probably wondering why I put that pic up...I love that guy's tattoo, I mean seriously, that's sexy as shit. I want my man to get it, but he might think it's a little gay. You think?

Every Little Girl's Dream...

My childhood friend, Raquel, is the one that instructed me from outside the bathroom door while I inserted my first tampon, the one who reenacted her first kiss on her hand for me just because I needed as much preparation as possible for my first kiss, the one that spent countless nights at my house every summer, the one that I haven’t seen in years but still get daily phone calls from. She is also the that asked me to be the Maid of Honor in her wedding. Naturally, she requested that I do her makeup and tend to the typical maid of honor duties, which I was happy and eager to do. Much preparation and planning went into this wedding, especially since she planned the whole event in 3 months. It’s been hectic to say the least and I’d be lying if I said she didn’t drive me crazy in the process.

Friday was the big day, and I couldn’t have been more excited about it. Not only was I excited for my childhood friend, but I was also excited for me. My boyfriend used this opportunity to rent a hotel room and plan a romantic getaway for us at the St. Regis on Ft. Lauderdale Beach. I couldn’t wait to wear all my new lingerie for him, lounge by the pool, and of course have sex for hours. It’s possible that I was more excited about Raquel’s wedding than she was.

I took the day off of work on the big day and drove up to Ft. Lauderdale first thing in the morning. We went to our hair appointments together and made sure that everything was ready to go before arriving at the country club where her wedding would take place. They had a bridal suite there that I did her makeup at. Raquel had been surprisingly calm the entire day, but as we sat down to do her makeup, and as the guests were arriving and constantly coming in to say hello, she started to spaz out… I mean literally freak out. I tried my best to keep her calm, but when the clock hit 6:30 and she didn’t have her dress on yet, we went into overdrive. Luckily, it all went smoothly and the ceremony was beautiful. After we took countless numbers of pictures, it was time to be introduced at the reception. The wedding was going perfectly and just as planned. Raquel looked beautiful and so happy, as did the Groom. I began anticipating my speech. I was so nervous about it and due to that, I barely touched my food and downed two vodka tonics. They did the trick and my speech was flawless. No stutters, no hiccups… perfection.

The drama begins…

After that was over with, I was ready to PARTY! I was the first one to hit the dance floor and I don’t think I ever left it. I had 2-3 more vodka tonics…feeling very nice. The DJ started playing songs that Raquel and I used to dance to when we were kids and I kept trying to get her on the dance floor. She looked so stressed and I just wanted her to enjoy it and have a good time. When Motown Philly by Boyz II Men came on, I ran over to her table filled with excitement and reached my arms out to grab her when I accidentally hit a beer bottle that was on her table, causing it to fly and spill all over her dress. Mortified and embarrassed, I ran to the bridal suite to cry. I felt horrible! Another one of Raquel’s friends was in there. She tried her best to console me, but I couldn’t stop crying. She then pointed out a bottle of champagne that had been sitting on ice, and asked if I’d stop crying if she popped that bottle open. Of course I obliged! Never mind that I was on my 5th vodka tonic or that we had no clue whose bottle it was or where it came from. At that point there was no rationalization. I was upset and there was no stopping me. Needless to say, the two of us killed that entire bottle. I went back and joined the rest of the party, but was disappointed that almost everyone was gone.

It was basically just my boyfriend and I and the bride and groom left. Raquel and I were standing by what was left of the cake, and I got what I thought was the best idea ever! Since she wasn’t having fun the entire night because she was so busy entertaining, I wanted her to celebrate that the night went so well, and that this night that she had dreamt of her whole life was finally over. Her beautiful, large, perfectly round cake was just calling my name. So, I did the unthinkable, I shoved my hand into that perfect cake with every intention of rubbing my hand all over Raquel’s face. Luckily, she was faster than me and I just missed her. She then started screaming obscenities at me and yet again, I ran off crying. As I was in the bathroom listening to her yell about me at the top of her lungs to her new husband, I couldn’t help but feel like the worst person on the planet. I went into the bridal suite to apologize, but she said she couldn’t stand the site of me and left the groom and me to pack her things. The tears wouldn’t stop, and when my boyfriend walked in to find out what the commotion was all about, I started crying harder. We packed my things and left to head to the hotel which was a good 45 minutes away. As we were leaving the country club, I tumbled down a large staircase that was at the entrance. I have bruises in the strangest places to prove it.

We shouldn’t have been on the road and I was so nauseous from the champagne that I kept demanding for my boyfriend to pull over so I could barf the night away. After he pulled over three times, he refused to pull over anymore which then caused me to call him an asshole amongst other horrible names. I was crying loudly, moaning in pain due to the nausea loudly, as well as cursing loudly. On top of all that, we couldn’t find the hotel. We were driving in circles trying to find the damn place. Once we finally arrived, valet got me a wheel chair, because there was no way in hell I was able to walk to our room. My wonderful boyfriend, undressed me, and put me to bed ending what was one of the worst nights of my life.

I woke up in the morning oblivious to the majority of the things that happened. I remembered the cake nightmare, but I didn’t learn of the champagne or the beer bottle fiasco for a couple of days. I apologized to everyone profusely, and while it is comical in some ways, I can’t help but feel like an alcoholic. I just don’t know what else to think about it. My intentions are never bad…they are always good, but somehow I managed to singlehandedly ruin one my best friend’s most important day of her life.

The weekend turned out to be just as relaxing as we had hoped for, and it was definitely needed after a night like the one we had. It sucked that we were both nursing a hangover for the first 24 hours after, but it definitely brought us closer as a couple. As far as that champagne bottle, it was a gift from the groom’s mother. Let’s just say, she isn’t my biggest fan. I don't really care about her though...she was trying to get with my man all night...old hag.

Long time no see...

I took a break from writing for a bit and decided to stop being so pensive and start living, so that's what I did. I'm actually writing this from work, so I have 45 minutes to get this all down before my weekend begins.

I am proud to say that I have kept most of my resolutions. It was tough in the beginning, but I got through it and have finally made a life style change. As I write this, I feel like a wiser, stronger, more mature women....it freaking ROCKS! (Mature women are allowed to say when something rocks.)

Fist of all, I stuck to Nutrisystem and lost 10 pounds! While that is great, great news, I think it caused one of the biggest health scares of my life. Long story short, I thought I had colon cancer, yes colon cancer at 26. It ended up being a fluke, but it was fun to make up a rap song titled, "My Colon is Swollen." To date I have lost 15 pounds, and I feel like a million bucks. I got off of Nutrisystem, because seriously, that food must be made at the Purina dog food factory. It is barely digestable, hence the swollen colon which is better off stolen, because nobody's jokin' when you feel like you're rollin'...yeah, that didn't flow and I'm no Salt N Peppa, but I'm sure you can see how I have found ways to entertain myself with this whole swollen colon fiasco. I am now eating much, much better, rarely eat a mexican chop chop from chicken kitchen, and am living a more active lifestyle...yay.

In other news, I have a boyfriend! He is my Mr. Wonderful. I couldn't be happier and can't wait to get married and have tall blonde babies. He's different from any guy I've ever met, and I feel different than I have ever felt before. We've been dating for almost 3 months now, and I'm ecstatic. Not only is he what I've been looking for, i.e., tall, handsome, charming, white boy w/ flava, but he is over clubbing! Hence me keeping my resolution and not getting back with my ex, South Beach. I have had a few weak moments, but it isn't what it used to be, and I am much happier with my new boyfriend, Mr. Wonderful. You can all barf now.

Broken Resolutions

2 weeks post NYE Res time and I've aleady broken almost all of them. That's right, I am a weak, weak human. This is why NYE Resolutions get such a bad rep...I guess they are made to be broken.

So, I know I said I wasn't going to be drinking except on very special occasions and that I would NOT be going clubbing on Sobe anymore, because we're broken up. Well, as luck would have it, I went to a business dinner on Sobe with my former crush, 2 other guys from work, and one of our bank partners. 4 guys and me..not a bad ratio if I do say so myself. Dinner turned into ice cream on Lincoln Rd that then turned into 2 games of pool at Lucky Strike leading to a cab ride to one of Sobe's hottest clubs on a Thursday night, Mokai. If you know anything about clubbing, the 4:1 ration isn't getting you in unless you buy a table which will run you at least $600. We decided we'd try our luck at the Delano hotel where there is a new club/lounge that opened called Florida Room. We had all heard good things about it, so off to the Delano we went. The guys realized that we weren't getting into the Florida Room either if we didn't recruit some more females. Within 5 minutes the guys found 2 girls totally willing to drink from our bottles. Florida Room was cool, we ended up getting a table there for the bargain price of $300. From a business stand point, we made the right move. From a personal stand point, I was hating life. My crush was totally kickin it to one of the girls we recruited (who was soooo not hot) and it was starting to erk me. We left Florida Room and then went to Cameo....gerrrr, yes Cameo. How the hell did I get suckered into this? Sobe alwas does this to me, that's why I have to stay far, far away. At this point, I feel ugly, because mind you, I'm still in my work clothes...not exactly how I represent on Sobe. So Cameo was...Cameo. Packed full of drunks and coke heads. We danced and had a good time, but as my luck would have it, my crush and the new girl were practically making out. I went from being erked to being PISSED. Somehow I built my case by thinking that he shouldn't be grinding and making out with a girl in front of one of our business partners, even though, I'm sure our business partner was jealous and wishing he could have been cheating on his wife right then instead of watching my crush make out with mediocre girl. Well, finally I had enough of this torture and I left. I said goodbye to everyone and hailed a cab. Well, guess what? I didn't have any cash and cabs in MIA don't take credit cards. Rather than go to an ATM, I decided I'd walk it. I took that opportunity to cry and hate my lonely life as well as bash my crush for kicking it to Miss Mediocre right in front of my face. Not to mention, my feet were killing me, I'm still in my work clothes at 4am, and bums and crack heads are whispering at me in the bushes. It was a very sobering experience to say the least. Luckily, I made it to my car before my feet broke into a million pieces. So there you have it, my most important resolution broken due to a business dinner that was only supposed to last an hour.

Lucy and I are on good terms again. She's been reaching out to me lately, but I've been unresponsive. I just didn't know what to say, and I especially wasn't ready to let her back in again. Well, I went shopping yesterday and who do I run into at Express? Lucy. I felt like it happened for a reason, so I just ceased the day and we went and grabbed a coffee at Starbucks. We spoke for HOURS, and now we're cool again. Forgivness isn't easy, but if you want to keep your friends and you want to live a happy full life, then it is very necessary. It felt great to put it all on the table, and I really and truly feel like we have a fresh start at our friendship. Phewww!!!

Saying Goodbye...

Woo hoo! Made it through the holidays! Now it's back to normalcy, or somewhat of it anyway. So much has happened since my last entry, I don't even know where to start. FYI- I sat down about 2 weeks ago and wrote a kick ass entry...don't know what happened, but blogger.com ate it! That thing disappeared. I was so upset, I cried myself to sleep that night. Not really, but I wanted to paint the picture.

I titled this entry "Saying Gooddbye" for a great reason. It's about that time again. Out with the old, in with the new, until you realize old wasn't so bad and possibly better than new. In which case, old is back again but feels like new because you missed it so much. Ok, I got off track. Point is, I'm in mourning.

Here is my list:
- Yvette is leaving me and moving to San Francisco with her boyfriend.
- I can no longer eat a Mexican chop chop from Chicken Kitchen with 2 sides of Mustard Curry and 2 sides of salsa.
- I am no longer going to get so wasted that I fall flat on my face in the middle of a club on South Beach.
- I am no longer crushing on co-workers.
- I am no longer friends with Lucy.
- I am breaking up with South Beach night life all together. It's been a love hate relationship from the start, but I'm ready to finally let him go.
- and for the grand finale, NO MORE CIGARETTES while I'm drinking because I will not be drinking but on super special occasions that are TBD when the time comes. Some of us have a problem with alcohol consumption.

Let's disect:
Yes, Yvette is leaving me for San Fran. Words can't even describe how much this sucks for me. I love her to death and while I know we will always be friends, it's going to take a lot of work to keep the lines of communication open. I just don't want our friendship to fall down by the wayside, and next thing you know, we're only talking on b-days.

I started my Nutri-System diet FINALLY. I've been on it for a week and going strong. I'm feeling pretty good actually. It pisses me off that we can't just eat whatever we want. Why does good food make us fat? NOT FAIR DAMN IT!

I decided that it's time to grow up and give up the club scene. There's gotta be something better to do. That's my new goal, find something better to do.

SO I have a super long story attached to NYE and the whole , no longer crushing on co-workers thing. I'll tell that story later, but the point is...work is work and it should stay there. Don't shit where you eat, and sometimes it's more fun to just flirt and fantasize than to actually see it through to fruition.

As far as Lucy, I know I haven't mentioned her before, but that friendship is over. We've had a pretty rocky friendship since highschool. With her, I always felt like I wasn't good enough, so no matter what I would do or how good I was to her, she still saw me as a selfish person. I tried and tried to prove her wrong, but at every turn, I seemed to be letting her down or at least just giving her ammunition to hold against me. In retrospect, no one should ever have to try that hard to validate their character to a friend. If someone is your friend, it's because they see your true colors and love you for them. For whatever reason, she couldn't see mine. I'll never really know what it was that was blurring her view of me. Some have said that it's jealousy, but the only one who knows that is Lucy.

So out with the old and in with the new! While, I am saddest about Yvette leaving me, I'm going to try my hardest to always keep in touch. She better do the same. The Mexican chop chop from Chicken Kitchen is pretty hard too...its been there for me on the saddest of days and darkest of nights. Now, what keeps me going is the thought of being 10lbs lighter, yay!

There's always a beginning...

So here it goes, my first blog everrrrr. My name is Britney, and I'm 26 years old. Age really is just a number, because I have days where I think I'm 40 and other days that I act like a 16 year old. My friends say that I tell the best stories and I have been told numerous times that I should write a book, so I figure I'll start with blogging and see how that goes. I'm actually unsure of whether I should tell my life story to catch everyone up to speed first or if I should just start with current events.

Lets discuss today...I'm in an extremely sentimental, romantic, and overall mushy-gushy mood today (Yes, I wrote mushy-gushy). I think it's a combination of the holidays, the weather, and the fact that I am more single than I have ever been in my life. Loneliness is setting in the for the first time in a while, and I'm not liking it at all.
I'll be honest, I am a bit boy crazy, no, I'm EXTREMELY boy crazy, and I pretty much have been since I came out of my mama's womb. My current work situation isn't helping either. About 5 months ago, I got a new job in a real estate development office with a handfull of moderate to extremely good looking guys that are my age, successful, tall, and American...a rare commodity in Miami. The worst part is that I feel that I have a strong connection with my direct boss and another superior. They are both single...this isn't good and a recipe for disaster given my track record with men. Everyday is like a game of tug of war between my feelings/sex drive and my common sense. Common sense says, "don't shit where you eat" while my sex drive/ huge desire to fall in love says, "don't let this opportunity pass you by." There will be much, much more about this topic to come...trust me, it's all I've been thinking about for the past 5 months.


Next topic, I am soooo overweight right now. I've got a good 10 pounds to lose before I can feel remotely attractive again. Sometimes I think my weight is why I'm still single. I've always had a bangin' body, but something about the age of 25 did it's toll on me. Now that I am half way through my 26th year, I'm worried that my weight is spinning out of control. I'm tall and pear shaped which in some ways is great, because I carry and conceal my weight pretty well by wearing jeans/ pants all of the time and accentuating my cleavage and waste line. The problem now is that I'm starting to carry the weight in my upper body as well, not to mention I have a slight double chin.WTF!!!!!????? Solution? NUTRISYSTEM. I'm hoping it will be my savior. I've had the food for over two weeks now, but due to Thanksgiving and the holidays, I've been completely stalling. I just finished organizing my food and plan on starting tomorrow. Wish me luck because I totally need it.

One of my very best friends, Yvette, said something to me last night that caused a revelation of sorts. She told me that I always need instant gratification...no one has ever told me this, and I realized that it is my total down fall. Let's analyze this: if I have a craving, I go for it whether it's food, a drink, romance, attention...anything. While in some ways it can be seen as a strength, the majority of the time it's HORRIBLE! It's like I can't control my impulses, I want so I do (without thinking). Of course I have limits. I have strong morals when it comes to friendships and how people should be treated, but when it comes to myself...AHHHH...OK- this is getting too complicated. I just realized what this blog is going to do to me...it's causing me to get reeeaaaalll deep. I'm gonna pause on that for now... Maybe it's the wine. Actually, I'm going to go pour myself another glass...BRB.